Catching up

[TheHeadlessHorseman]

You're absolutely right about that.

I have lived my life by this saying, and I know that you have heard me say this here before...

I know the truth, and the good Lord knows the truth, so f**k everybody else.

[Murfreesboro]

What's going on with Andy? I haven't seen him post in a few days, and the season is upon us. I hope he's OK.

[TheHeadlessHorseman]

Yeah, he hasn't been here in 2 full weeks, hopefully he's fine.

He's probably on some new adventure, or maybe he came out of retirement and went back to work at the cemetery.

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[Murfreesboro]

Could be. I do hope we hear from him soon. Was he slated to have more eye surgery this month?

[TheHeadlessHorseman]

If I recall correctly, he already had both procedures done, and was healing up nicely.

He's a big boy, and I know that sometimes he just wants some time to himself, so when he takes a hiatus from the forum I don't worry about him as much as I do when we don't hear from you.

If a month goes by and he doesn't come back I'll send him a email to check in on him.

Yes, Andy, we actually DO miss you when you're not here.

[Murfreesboro]

Yes, we do!

[Andybev01]

I hope that referee remembered to wear his cup that day.

[Murfreesboro]

Glad you're back--and, agreed about the ref.

[TheHeadlessHorseman]

I hope that referee remembered to wear his cup that day.

I doubt it. It's not like he was expecting to get hit by one of the competitors that day. He looked like he was in pain, and that's probably why he walked away from the situation, instead of trying again to stop the fight.

I'm writing this intro right after I wrote this unnecessarily long post, I just thought that I'd mention that. I admit that it might come across as incoherent because it was a long day, I'm tired, and I was reliving some angry, and emotional memories while I wrote it. So you should probably skip it.

I haven't ever told you guys this before, because it was irrelevant to any previous conversations, but when I was younger I was a very good artist. As you know, I was a comic book fan when I was growing up, and I started drawing very early. As I got older I found that I could draw anything, and I mean anything, people, objects, buildings, you name it, and I could draw it, and I'm sure that my incredible memory contributed to my ability to draw as well as I could. By the time that I was 13 my teachers were praising me because I could draw buildings so accurately, and with such precise details that they said that I could become a architect, designing blueprints for buildings one day. I was a damn good artist, and that's not me bragging, I'm just stating facts.

Do you know what else happened when I was 13 years old? We hit poverty and I had to get a job to help my mother cover the rent, and feed and clothe us. So I had to put my dream of being a artist aside and work while every other assh*le my age got a free ride from their parents. By the time that I was 14, I was balancing school with a full time job, and I had a very difficult conversation with my art teacher, she was trying to persuade me to continue with my art because she believed in me, but I told her that because of my schedule with work and school that I couldn't devote the time needed to make my art as good as it should be, and since art was a only a small portion of my grade that I would be dropping the class.

She knew that I didn't want to do it, and she tried to work something out with the principal so that I could do my art at home and just hand in the projects to be graded, but because I was working nights, I just couldn't give my art the time that it deserved. To this day, I remember exactly what I said to her ...

Sometimes you have to stand there and let your dreams die.

I want you to remember those words, because I'll be using them again soon.

I have often wondered where I would be today if life had gone differently. There are so many what ifs ... What if my pathetic father had been a decent husband and father to his family? What if we weren't driven from our house because of the way he treated us? What if my mother had the guts to kill him, would we still have that beautiful house? What if I had my mommy and daddy pay for college or university for me like every other assh*le out there?

I consider myself a smart person, certainly smarter than most people that I know, I'm good at English, science, and I'm pretty damn good at math. I've studied history, religion, philosophy, and learned some of the most important lessons that a person can learn in this life. But because of the path that I was forced down, I never got to show the world what I was capable of.

I didn't want fame, but some recognition of my talents would have been nice. I could have gone to college or university, but I stood there and weighed my options, I could go and put myself in debt while pursuing a degree that might get me a good job one day, or I could go out there and make money now. I made my choice. Sure, the people that know me know what I can do, and there have been times that I have had intellectual conversations with customers at the restaurant, and after that they will say to me with shock in their voice ... what are you doing working in a restaurant? They don't know that I own the place, and they react to me as if I'm too smart to be here.

I know this sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I know that the path that I traveled was paved with bullsh*t, pain, suffering, and more anger than I could ever fully express to you, but today I'm a happy person, and if some magical being suddenly appeared to me and told me that I could do it over again, I wouldn't. If this was before I had kids, sure, I would have absolutely gone back and changed the way life went, but the moment that my kids were born that became the point of no return, because they are the reason that I breathe, the reason that I'm here, and they are the most important thing to me, and why I will always do what I have to so that they have what they need in this life.

Today I have a beautiful family, 4 businesses, multiple properties and pieces of land, and I made some very smart investments, and I owe that to making a choice to take a job in a restaurant. I honestly don't know what life would be like if I hadn't stepped foot into this place, it has given me more than I could have ever hoped for in my impoverished youth. Today I'm happy.

So, you might be asking yourself, then why the Hell did you write this? Don't worry, I'm getting there. I got a phone call today that made me think about the choices that each of us has to make in this life, the decisions that will forge the path we travel, the opportunities that we will either walk away from, or boldly venture toward, regardless of any feelings of doubt, or hesitation that might stand in our way. There's one very important thing that I learned in this life, and it's that nobody is going to give you a f**king thing in this life, if you want something then you go out there and get it, regardless of what, or who is standing in your way. Because in this life, your family is the most important thing, and everybody else is just a temporary acquaintance, so focus on yourself, and destroy the people that don't believe in you. At least, that's how I look at it, and the choice that I would make based on the life that I have lived, and the lessons that I've learned.

The phone call that I got was regarding Phoebe's path in martial arts, and the choice that is in front of her right now that could possibly determine just how far she goes, and the measure of her success in the sport that she loves.

The woman from the tournament board that is on Phoebe's side, her name is Jenny, called me today to let me know that the parents of the girl that Phoebe injured on the weekend are attempting to bring charges against the board for the injuries that their kid sustained at the tournament. Apparently, once again, her injuries are worse than anybody initially thought, and Phoebe broke that girl's ribs, and one of the bones punctured one of her lungs and she's having difficulty breathing. She also has a broken nose, which isn't helping her breathing, and her parents said that she has more bruises than they can count. I don't recall Phoebe kicking her in the face, but I guess it could have happened when the referees were crowding around them.

Then Jenny said that the parents are pursuing medical costs, as well as compensation for the mental and physical stress that the injuries have caused for her, the effect this is having on her social life because of the embarrassment of vomiting in front of everybody, which is now on social media, and claiming gross negligence and a failure from the tournament officials to react promptly to the situation to prevent injury to their kid. Then Jenny burst out laughing and said that the kid's parents don't have any legal ground to stand on because of the waiver they signed, which basically says that it protects the tournament board, their affiliates, and the competitors that injure other opponents from any legal action as a result of injuries that may have occurred during competition. If your kid competes and gets injured, then your kid gets injured, it's as simple as that. Then she said ... so her parents can go f**k themselves.

Then she said something interesting ... When Phoebe returns to competition next month I think that she should lean into the bad girl persona that people have labeled her with. She heard my silence and then she said ... let me explain, right now everybody has been saying that Phoebe is the new bad girl of the tournament circuit, and that she's a ruthless competitor that nobody can counter, or even touch out there, she's willing to hurt her opponents, and she doesn't show any remorse for hurting them. So if people want to vilify her for that, then why not capitalize on that reputation and momentum right now while she has their attention?

It's like when she deliberately wanted to make that other girl suffer, so she scored a point, then hit a illegal move to get get the point deduction, scored another point, then another deduction, and then repeated the strategy for as long as she could before the referee gave her a warning, before she finally kicked that little b*tch's face in. 1 point up, 1 point down, 1 point up, and repeat. It was a brilliant game of cat and mouse to prolong her opponent's suffering, and I loved it! That is what she needs to do out there every single time that she competes, if they want a villain, then we will give them one! So, what do you think?

I told her that I would talk to Phoebe about it, and that we would consider her offer.

On one side of it, she's absolutely right. If they are going to say that my kid is a psychopath, then maybe we should show them the real definition of the word and leave every one of her opponents crawling away from that mat instead of walking away from it. She also pointed out how this could be very lucrative for Phoebe, because of the marketing and potential merchandising opportunities that could come from promoting her as a featured competitor. That's only part of her pitch, and she claims that she's mainly interested in Phoebe's advancement in this sport. Of course, that's exactly what somebody in her position would say.

On the other side of it, I know that's not Phoebe's personality, and she's only ever hurt the opponents that have tried to cheat or hurt her deliberately, and the rest of her opponents she just plows through by landing hits on them and scoring points, within the regulations of the tournament. Then again, her use of excessive violence has been happening more often lately, and with the way these other competitors conduct themselves, and their inability to make smart decisions while they are out there, I'm sure that Phoebe will run into these idiots fairly frequently during competition, and give the promoters exactly what they want without even trying.

I get it, at the end of the day, this is a business, and their main purpose is to generate interest in their events and put asses in seats. This just happens to be a sport that involves physical competition that focuses on violence, and that's exactly what their audience craves, it's the reason that people watch boxing, MMA, or any other type of fighting, because they want the violence. I guess if Phoebe gives them a violent show, intentionally or not, it's going to present opportunities for her that will be crucial to her success in this sport, and we can already tell that this isn't just a phase for her, and it's something that she is serious about pursuing professionally when she's older.

It's definitely something to think about, while their lucrative offer isn't a factor for us, I do have to consider the opportunities that might pass her by if she decides not to play ball with them. As somebody that got cheated out of the opportunities in this life that were presented to me, I know that you can sit there for a long time and wonder ... what if?

As I said, I will talk to her about this, I'll tell her everything that I wrote here, and some stuff that I didn't include because this damn post is long enough already, and explain exactly the decision that is in front of her, and what it could mean for her. I know that you might think that a 9 year old is too young to make such a big decision, but I was 10 when we were forced out of our home, and I learned that the world is a f**king cold place, the difference between Phoebe and myself is that she has a safety net in place for her, I didn't. She has her whole family here to love her and support her no matter what happens.

She has already proved that she can use strict and accurate precision without breaking their bones or intentionally aiming to injure other competitors. But she can also be violent against the people that cheat. So, she can either give them what they want for free and at random when some kid decides to get her pissed, or just go out there and kick the sh*t out of everybody, and build a reputation for it while advancing her place in this sport... decisions, decisions.

I guess that she's the only person that can make that choice.

[Murfreesboro]

Ok, you've asked for our opinion on this subject, so I'm going to say something I've kept to myself. Phoebe is still 9, right? That means she hasn't gone through puberty yet. And when she does, her body will change. It might change slowly or quickly. Her build might stay slim and athletic, or she might develop more curves. This will not be entirely up to her. I mean, dieting and exercise won't take the curves away from her if she's meant to have them. She might not be able to do all the things she can do now. She might have to relearn how to do some stuff. It might not be the steady progression that she's had to this point.

A number of years.ago I was an obsessed figure skating fan. I traveled to competitions and read every book I could get my hands on. I'll never forget that one of the prominent coaches remarked on the change puberty brings to female athletes. He said, " The boys can't do the jumps before puberty. The girls can't do the jumps after puberty." Now, obviously, some girls do, but increasingly, they are girls of Asian ethnicity who typically don't develop the curves of European ethnicity. That's because the sport itself has evolved toward putting more emphasis on the jumps.

It sounds like Sam takes more after your wife and Phoebe more after you. Take a look at the women on your side, especially, to get an idea of what her adult figure may look like.

[Murfreesboro]

Breaking this up for ease of reading.

I don't altogether trust Jenny's encouragement, because, as you've said, she is probably more interested in promoting the sport than in the well being of Phoebe. I think it's one thing to attack a cheater or rule-breaker, and quite another to attack an opponent simply because she is your opponent in a sports arena. Not everyone who comes up against her deserves that kind of attack. How would Phoebe feel if someone were to attack her so viciously just because she'd drawn the spot of being the opponent? I bet Phoebe herself feels there is a distinction between fighting cheaters and fighting those who follow the rules. Right now she seems to have an innate sense of fair play that I would not wish to eradicate in her.

[TheHeadlessHorseman]

Murf, your and Andy's opinion is always welcome, that's why it's a forum!

Believe me, I don't trust Jenny for a single second. She comes across as somebody that manipulated, stepped on, and stabbed everybody in the back to get where she is today. She's the type of person that preys on the hard work of others, letting them destroy each other while she sits back and profits from it, and everybody is expendable to her, because if you don't do what she wants, she can always find another person that will.

I mean, the fact that she called me to have that conversation, and that she approached us and said what she did with that referee by her side tells me that there are already separate groups growing within the tournament board that don't agree with each other, and it seems like she's already in a very good position, and she is eventually looking to take over the board. I get the feeling that she's a vindictive person that would sabotage somebody's career if they don't do things her way.

The issue is that there's only one company/board that runs both tournament circuits that Phoebe competes in, so they have a monopoly on the sport in our area. The only other tournaments around here are for teens and adults, and if kids want to compete then they only have one option. So, Phoebe has a choice, she can either continue doing what she has been doing and go out there and decisively defeat her opponents using her unique style and strategy, or she can do what they want and punish the other competitors for no reason other than that she was told to do so, specifically for the purpose of furthering her own position in the sport.

How would Phoebe feel if someone were to attack her so viciously just because she'd drawn the spot of being the opponent?

She's been there, and done that. When she was 6 and she started competing in the 6-12 age group, a lot of her older opponents were ruthless toward her back then. There was a match in particular that she had with a 10 year old that kicked her in the chest and then threw her to the ground and laughed, and every time that the girl kicked her, Phoebe continued to get up, but the girl eventually won the match by kicking her in the face, but Phoebe still got up after the match. Looking back on it, I think that experience helped shape the way that Phoebe approached her opponents, as the next time that she fought that girl a year later, she used her gymnastics skills to maneuver around her, and then brutally kicked the sh*t out of her.

Right now she seems to have an innate sense of fair play that I would not wish to eradicate in her.

Yes, she does, and I'm proud of her for it. Which is why I honestly don't think that she will choose the path that Jenny wants for her. Then again, as I've previously mentioned, there is some deep anger in her that only surfaces when she competes. I know exactly where that anger comes from, I know it far too well because I have the same anger in myself, and that smirk that we share is a clear indicator that a certain level of evil is in her. I've seen the way that she enjoys punishing the opponents that cheat, and she walks away from it with a sense of satisfaction that can only be described as arrogant, as if she just dispensed her own justice to them.

Of course, I suppose that each of us has some evil and anger in us, most of us seem to control it most of the time, but I guess that sometimes we have to release that anger to maintain our sanity, and competitive fighting is one way to do that. As her parent, and somebody that has learned to control and channel my anger in ways that don't hurt other people, I'm sure that I can help her choose the right path, at least, I hope that I can. With that said, each and every one of us has to make choices that effect the course of our lives, and we have to live with the consequences of those choices. I guess it depends on what we want out of life, and how we go about getting it.

Regardless of how I feel about it personally, I owe it to her to truthfully explain the choice that is in front of her, because it is her right to choose her path. I will present both sides of the argument to her, and hope that her heart speaks to her louder than her ambition does.

On a side note, she was in the basement yesterday beating the sh*t out of the heavy bag because she was angry about not competing in the tournament this week.

Regarding the inevitable journey into puberty, we have already had that discussion with both her martial arts and gymnastics coaches and trainers. When it comes to martial arts they aren't as concerned about the possible changes in her body shape because it's more of a ground based sport, and even though she incorporates her gymnastics skills into her routine, it shouldn't affect her fighting style too much, since there are plenty of full figured adult women that compete in MMA that are some of the toughest women out there.

However, when it comes to gymnastics, that's a completely different story. If she develops ... uh, for lack of better phrasing, we will say ... a wider bottom, then that might actually improve her ground and mat technique, backflips, and other aspects of her performance because it helps balance her center of gravity. But that extra weight below would negatively affect her performance in the air, and on the beams and bars, at least, that's the way that they explained it to us.

I mean, dieting and exercise won't take the curves away from her if she's meant to have them.

That's not necessarily true, I've seen female fitness competitors and bodybuilders that train their bodies to the point where they basically reshape their naturally intended body. As a result, most of them end up with a muscular and reduced chest, and they have to get breast implants to maintain a feminine shape. Man, I hope that Phoebe doesn't go that route.

Right now she has a small athletic frame, with toned arms and legs, and she's eating healthier and she exercises and trains religiously, so as long as she continues on that path, she should maintain a slender frame into her adult years. Most of the women on my side of the family have a slender frame, my wife was naturally slender in her youth before she had kids, but her mother and other women in her family have curves, so it's hard to say at this stage what shape our kids will eventually have.

On a related side note, Sam has started to ... uh, *develop* in the chest area, she still runs up to hug me every day, but I feel awkward about it, probably because when my sisters started to *develop* they didn't want to be hugged for awhile after that, but they eventually started hugging again.

[Murfreesboro]

Well, it sounds like you and Phoebe's coaches have been thinking ahead about the inevitable changes in the future. I know nothing about martial arts. I do know, from reading, about figure skating, which in some respects is like gymnastics. Both sports favor, not only the slender build, but the shorter one, too. Thats true for men as well as women. I guess it's advantageous to athletes in those sports to have very compact bodies. Each sport seems to have its ideal body type.

You'd not told us about Phoebe's experience as a 6 yr old competitor against a 10 yr old. I have zero doubt that this experience shaped her attitude toward competition. I must admit that, as a parent, I couldn't have watched it.

My daughter went through a phase of not wanting to be hugged when she was in middle school. I think that's pretty common for adolescent girls.

Nobody in my immediate family has pursued competitive sports except Karl, who went through a phase, maybe 8-10th grades, of being sports obsessed. Back then I told my husband that it was like we'd planted corn and it came up tomatoes. Nothing wrong with tomatoes, but it was a surprise. He played football for two years and wrestled for two years. He got a school.letter in wrestling, not because he was especially talented, but just because he stuck with it and showed up when others didn't. I told him at the time that that counted, too, that sometimes in life you win not because you are the best, but because you are the most perseverent. When he chose to give up sports and concentrate on band, I was surprised to find myself a little wistful. I had enjoyed having an athletic son.

[Murfreesboro]

I also learned through Karl that phys ed in public school is an entirely different experience if you're an athlete. For those of us who don't pursue sports, it's a total waste of time. But Karl got instruction that really mattered, about nutrition, conditioning, and proper body building. There was actual content. I was shocked.

[TheHeadlessHorseman]

I must admit that, as a parent, I couldn't have watched it.

Yes, my wife cried while that was happening, I was angry, but I was also impressed that Phoebe kept getting back up. That day she showed me that she isn't ever going to let anybody push her around.

When Sam started competing in that age group, the older kids weren't mean like that, and they competed fairly against the younger opponents, but when Phoebe started, the older kids had just become vicious toward the younger kids. I'm not sure why that change happened, but it did.

The thing is, I've noticed that Phoebe has never been mean or cruel to her younger opponents, she usually just scores points on them and moves on, and she only uses her aggressive approach on her older and larger opponents. I'm not sure if she does that just to show everybody that she can kick the cr*p out of anybody that steps in there with her, regardless of their or age, size, or experience, or if it's a psychological tactic, or both.

The truth is, I've seen how gentle she can be with the younger students at their martial arts school, she's always teaching the 3 year olds that start there the basics and beginners techniques that will help them understand the sport easier, and her trainers say that she's patient and compassionate with them. Of course, that's the side of her that most people aren't aware of.

On a side note, I think the real reason that Sam walked away from competing in martial arts and gymnastics is because she couldn't/didn't want to compete with Phoebe's success. Though, she hasn't ever directly said that to us. She still does martial arts training, and she still stays active with swimming, but I think that she would rather focus her attention on her academic path, and that's perfectly fine, as not everybody is made to be athletic.

For those of us who don't pursue sports, it's a total waste of time.

That's exactly how I felt about it. So did most of the people that I knew back then.

But Karl got instruction that really mattered, about nutrition, conditioning, and proper body building. There was actual content.

I can't argue with that. I've seen the way that mentality has improved Phoebe's health, state of mind, and performance. She's extremely dedicated to her strict diet and exercise routine, and even on her birthday she only had one slice of cake, and that kid loves her mother's cake! This is the same kid that yelled about her candy at the airport last year, but now she hardly eats anything bad, and even if she does, she will easily work away the extra sugar with her training.

Man, I wish that I could have that discipline with my diet.

Does Karl still maintain those techniques in his daily routine? I recall you previously mentioning that he worked for a company that distributed fresh produce, was what he learned in school a factor in his decision to work in that industry?