I have recently received some bad news, and it now seems likely that I will not survive the weekend. I don't have any regrets, though. I've lived a full and mostly happy life, and have been much more fortunate than many. Though death now looms close, I haven't recanted my lifelong atheism (though I would like to hedge my bets and take this opportunity to personally accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, recognize Muhammad as the one true prophet of Allah, and Quetzalcoatl as the one true feathered serpent god, thus covering all the bases in case my life of heresy has been misguided).
I can't express to you all how much my time at this forum has meant to me over the past half year, and even though I haven't bothered to learn most, or any, of your names (not even your screen names), I want you to know how much all of you have meant to me. Like, um, Bob, with that thing he always says. And, um, Ghostwoman? I had lots of fun flirting with you! And who could forget Gummy Joe, or zombie316, or Ilikepie, or Joe the Prop Builder, or Joe the Pumpkin Carver. Or Joe the Zombie. You all were really great. You've been like a second family to me, in that I want to borrow money from some of you, and others of you I can't stand and wish were never born. And even though none of you made it into my will, I want you to know that zombie316, you came darned close to getting my novelty shot glass collection. Missed it by a hair, mate.
So as I wrap up what will likely be my final post here, I don't want you to cry for me. Well, okay, you can cry, but try to keep the big gobs of snot to a minimum, okay? That's just nasty. But know that I face my impending doom a little happier, a little wiser, a little bit more light-hearted for having known you all. I'm sure I've rubbed some of you the wrong way, but I hope I rubbed enough of you the right way that you at least got some enjoyment out of it.
The snow is just beginning to fall, and based on the frantic predictions of the local weathermen, and the lines at the supermarket yesterday, the massive snowstorm preparing to hit Maryland will likely wipe out half the population, no doubt me included. I'm planing on making blueberry pancakes tomorrow morning, but if things get as bad as they say they will be, by this time tomorrow I'll probably be gnawing on my own left foot just to survive. I'm sure I'll last longer than most, because I have everything I need to make Andy's soup, except tofu, but then, foot has roughly the same smell and texture as tofu, so it will no doubt be an adequate substitute. Even still, the eye of the storm is expected to pass right over my county, so I am certain I will be dead come Monday morning. Here is an artist's interpretation of what I will most likely look like:
So with much love for all of you (except for those of you I'm indifferent towards), I bid you a fond farewell! May you be happy in the lives you have chosen! Always look on the bright side of life! Wish me well as I climb aboard Charon's boat, cross the River Styx, and sail off into oblivion! Where I'm going, we don't need roads........
