Post
by Murfreesboro » Thu Oct 24, 2013 2:35 pm
I'd like to say one more thing on this subject, something more specifically addressing your fear of oblivion.
I, too, have had a need to believe that the people I have loved, and I myself, would experience a personal survival after death. This is a concern that first surfaced for me when my father died. I was 7, and much of my understanding of religion had come from my mother's mother, who spent a lot of time with me during his illness (he had cancer). She would always tell me that no one is perfect, that Jesus was the only perfect person who ever lived (I guess she saw my tendency toward the vice of perfectionism early on). At other times, though, she would tell me that heaven was a perfect place. When my father died, she tried to console me by pointing out that he was no longer suffering, and that he was now in heaven, that perfect place.
However, her consolation simply raised more questions for me. I remembered she had said that no one was perfect, so that meant my father wasn't perfect, either. But then he had gone to this perfect place, heaven. How could my imperfect father go to that perfect place without spoiling its perfection? And if he were somehow made perfect in order to enter there, how could he continue to be himself? When I asked my grandmother to explain these paradoxes, she admonished me," People have gone crazy thinking about things like that." So then I thought, "Great, my father has died, and I am maybe going crazy." Of course at some level I knew I wasn't crazy, but I knew there were some questions I wasn't supposed to ask.
This question stayed with me a long time. I had my flirtation with eastern religious thought, reincarnation and all that, but rejected it pretty quickly when I learned that the goal of it all was Nirvana. The eastern sources regularly described the soul's entrance into Nirvana as a drop of water entering the ocean. Well, screw that. I mean, once the drop of water enters the ocean, its molecules are still there, but you are never going to find that particular drop of water again. So no Nirvana for me, thank you very much.
One day, when I was a graduate student, I discussed my childhood concerns about my father, and the paradox that had stumped me, with fellow grad students. I think we had just come from a seminar on Dante, that religious poet. One of them, a good friend, commented, "That's interesting. You were essentially having a logical difficulty." And then another guy, someone I knew far less well, remarked, "I think that's the point of the bodily resurrection. It's a guarantee that you will be you forever."
Well, that quick comment, which I think he tossed off pretty easily, hit me like a bolt of lightening. I had never understood, honestly, why it mattered so much in Christian faith that people are supposed to be resurrected in their bodies. And from then on, I read the Bible differently. I saw all these stories about people getting new names. I especially loved the one in Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with the angel all night long. At the end of it, the angel touches his hip and cripples him for life, but he gets a new name, Israel, meaning "He who strives with God." What a terrific story. The relationship between man and God is a passionate struggle, like a love affair, you know? It wounds, but it ennobles, too. And I thought about Jesus' renaming Simon Peter, and about Saul who becomes Paul on the Road to Damascus. And it just hit me that the God of the Bible, both Old and New Testaments, is above all the God who knows your name. That's a God I can live with.
I don't worry so much anymore about my childhood quandary. I still don't perfectly understand it, but I trust that the God who knows my name has a plan for me, both here and hereafter, and it will be a good plan.